What A Trip
“Got to her bedroom, and there’s photos of her at the Colosseum in Rome with another dude hung up over her bed. I asked when that had been taken, and she said ‘Oh, that’s Jack, we used to date – he’s not over me though, so I let him take me on holidays. He’s such a sweetheart.’ I left.”
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Commitment Coma
“When he got into a car accident and lost his memory, specifically the 3 months we knew one another. Which he later admitted was a lie, and he never lost it at all.”
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Smelly
“I was sitting on reception at work. Lady walks in and I’m like ‘Wow she is hot!!’, she gets closer and she’s wearing the same perfume as my Nan. My erection collapsed like a dying star.”
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Let’s Talk… Face To Facebook
“When she posts a rant on Facebook about the argument we were just having. I had literally just gotten out of the hospital for pancreatitis which is very painful and the only thing you can do is take some pain meds and rest while not eating or drinking for a few days. She wanted me to be at her house instead of mine, so I go to be with her while recouping. The next day I go to check my Facebook and there I see a rant about me…’OMG! I can’t understand why a grown ass man would sleep for 12 hours while I sit here waiting for some company!’ I just got out of the hospital!”
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Spiritual Side
“Right around the time she asks me about my relationship with the Lord or what my astrological sign is.”
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Smoking Hot
“Ohh… They’re cute… Aaaaaand… They’re smoking.”
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Peed Pants
“I was on a date and the guy just said ‘I can’t hold it any more’ and pees his pants. I had made plans to hit that, but something about seeing a 20 year old guy piss himself while 100% sober is just the ultimate permanent turnoff.”
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Picture Imperfect
“First date, he starts bragging about his new phone, showing me his music lists and such, and then photos, swipes through his photo album, cute picture of dog eating, cute picture of dog playing, not so cute picture of dog licking his cock. As shocked as I was, it was sort of funny the way he panicked. Have never seen anyone swipe their finger across a phone screen that fast….and then came the awkward silence…that was bad, I mean really bad. What are you supposed to say to that??”
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It’s Complicated
“Whenever I see their Facebook relationship status change to ‘it’s complicated’ after a fight.”
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Did I Wipe?
“My friend and old manager and I were drunk and dancing at the bar one night. Nothing really bad, just the usual plus a little grinding. She said something about having a one night stand. A little while later she was sitting down and I was giving her a lower back rub, I started to get low towards her ass, and she said ‘careful, I didn’t check how well I wiped.’ My dick ran inside me like a fucking mouse running back into its hole. Totally lost anything that may have been there that night. Still grossed out by it.”
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All-American Girl
“Girl I had been seeing for a week in university. Having a party with my friends who happened to be from France, Spain, Belgium, Germany etc. She sits in the corner not talking to anyone, I go and ask her if she’s OK and she says to me, ‘Why do you have to hang about with all the these foreigners?’ Dropped her home, split up with her and went back to my awesome international friends and had a kick ass time.”
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Where’d THAT Come From!?
“He pulled his dick out while he was giving me a ride home. Complete 180 in attitude.
Sam was a friend of mine from work. He quit but we stayed in touch. One day he showed up and it was raining. Now mw and my husband had talked to him before about some of the parties we had gone to. Kinky parties. I suppose somehow this translated to me being a whore. He offered me a ride home and when we got halfway there he pulled his pants open and grinned at me. I screamed at him and told him to let me out. He’s still grinning in a very ‘prepare your anus’ sort of way and says that we are on the causeway and it is pouring. Traffic was slow enough that I was able to get out and walk on the shoulder and I refused to get back inside. I walked down the shoulder of the Tuttle back to South Beach shaking in the rain. He called later giving me some bullshit about being from Iran and not knowing how to deal with girls properly. Told him he was slime and never call me again.”
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Taboo Tattoo
“When I saw the two tattoos of his ex-girlfriend’s name I was a little worried but he said he got them in high school and regretted them. Yeah, I get it, we all make stupid mistakes. It was a little later on I found out he got them after they’d already broken up. It was like every good quality he had just didn’t seem to matter anymore and I couldn’t get past it.”
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Smiling Racist
“My company hired a very pretty and sweet young lady. One hour after meeting and talking with her, she seemed almost perfect. But then she uttered the ‘N’ word, with pure hate in her voice. I can’t even look at her anymore. I want her to quit.”
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In Love With Himself
“Saw a guy who was incredibly handsome and approached him. He said, ‘Let me guess, you want me to buy you a drink? Just like every other gold-digger around here?’ What the f—, guy? Idiot.”
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A Thick Skull
“He said, ‘I thought you’d be thinner – oh that’s not a bad thing, I like my girls thick.’ Not a great thing to say, dude.”
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High Expectations
“When she started to discuss how high she got every night and her weed habits. And called me a loser for not smoking it.”
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