Sadly, marriages can end for several different reasons. Maybe the chemistry that once united two head-over-heels people is no longer present or the physical connection has fizzled. When a marriage is failing, it isn't surprising when one (or both) partners begin to stray and wind up meeting someone else. Read what married people who left their spouse have to say about how it worked out for them:
It Was Love At First Sight
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“I was in a bad marriage; it wasn’t abusive but it was but toxic and controlling. We didn’t agree on a lot of things, had no similar hobbies, and I couldn’t spend time with family or friends without him getting jealous. Not to justify what I did, but our marriage was dead. I met someone online through a gaming forum and we hit it off instantly. We became best friends and talked daily while husband my was at work, so it was behind his back.
After a year of chatting via Skype and text, I decided to go meet up with him. It was love at first sight. I called my husband and told him I was leaving him; it happened that fast. It’s been almost six years and no regrets. We are still very much in love and I love my new life. My ex-husband and I became friends through the divorce process oddly enough and we still talk now. I feel we are better as friends than we were husband and wife, unfortunately, we had to get married and divorced to figure that out.”
They Get Along, For The Most Part
“My dad says the past decade has felt like a nightmare and he’s waiting for the day where he ‘wakes’ up in our old house from a bad dream. His new family is trash. In his defense, I don’t think he ever wanted to leave and be with her, but when my mom found out about the affair, she kicked him out and said she would never trust him again. They had been married for 25 years. Despite this, my parents are still really good friends, so they see each other often. It might be different if they weren’t still so close.
My dad and my stepdad get along really well. I do think there is a bit of jealousy or a ‘one-up’ type of dynamic going on between the two, but they do go on trips together without my mother. For example, they went to Florida one time together and came back with a million souvenirs for me. My dad said every time he bought me something, my stepdad did too. Things like that, but I do love that they get along for the most part.”
When ‘The One That Got Away’ Suddenly Appeared
“Our marriage was stale and we were living parallel lives. One day, I ran into ‘the one that got away’ on Facebook. Chatting led to flirting which led to a tryst in a city between us. It was meant to be a one-and-done, to get it out of our system. What we didn’t plan on was falling in love. Knowing I’d want to see her again, I confessed to my wife and moved out, ultimately divorcing.
Over the next two years, I learned that long distance relationships don’t work and ‘the one that got away’ got away for a reason. It was all a big mistake, but none of it can be fixed. I date others, but I miss my wife and marriage every day.
I’ve come to accept that the marriage was going to end eventually, no matter what happened, I just sped it up and made it certain. Over time, I’m only remembering the good things, not the bad.
Long distance relationships can work if there is an end game. Neither of us was very willing to leave where we were, so there was no goal at the end to shoot for.”
That Was The Moment She Truly Got Over Him
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“I’m the oldest of four children in my broken home family. This all happened later in my life when I had started my sophomore year of high school. My parent’s divorce was finalized on my 21st birthday and it was honestly the best birthday present I’ve ever received.
My mother is probably one of the strongest people that I know. Through all the lies, another cell phone, a Facebook account that said he was in a relationship (when they had been married for 15 years) and cheating with one single person who was 15 years younger than him, my mom remained with him for the sake of my siblings and me. I personally feel like this was a big mistake.
He continued to see this other lady on the side for about six years and they’re still together now. About four months before the divorce went through, my mom found out that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and that was the moment that my mom truly got over him. They had the baby a few months after the divorce and got married a few months after that. My siblings were all invited to the wedding and the other women treats my siblings like gold. She made sure that they bought a big enough house and enough beds for my siblings to be able to sleep over and she honestly cares more about them than our own father does.
I have never met her and honestly, I don’t think I want to either. I moved a few states away after high school and rarely ever return home, mainly because of the painful memories. My siblings have all told me that since our dad has been with this lady he’s lightened up (he used to be extremely over the top strict) so I guess she is good for him in that sense. Since then my mom has started dating this awesome guy who is the complete opposite of my dad and also treats my siblings and me (when I’ve seen him) like his own. I’m honestly very happy that my parents are no longer together. I guess in a strange way, the cheating and getting his girlfriend pregnant was a good thing because I don’t think my mom would have left him otherwise.”
Cheating Is Never The Answer
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“I was married and cheated with another married person and now I am married to the person I cheated with. He’s an amazing person and I feel lucky to have him, but I deeply regret what I did to my ex. I would take it all back if I could.
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I am even somewhat happy now because I often think I should be miserable forever because of the choices I made. After time and therapy, those feelings don’t plague me as often as they used to.
In the beginning, after separating from our spouses, I was beyond miserable. I’d wake up and wonder whose house and bed I was in. I had weird and horrible dreams when I was actually able to sleep, which wasn’t often. I was so stressed out, even in my sleep, that all my back/neck muscles ached constantly. I started drinking (was never a big drinker before), but after a month or so of that I found out that I was also suffering from Ulcerative Colitis. Not a good mix.
I cut way back on the drinking. I missed my husband and even talked to him once about the possibility of just talking about getting back together, but he didn’t want to and I couldn’t blame him. At that point, I truly just wanted what was best for him and whatever would make him the happiest. I felt that I had ruined my life, permanently, and no matter what, I would never be happy again.
I tormented myself for months. Finally, over a year after the separation (about eight months after our divorce) when it got so bad that I couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to die and possibly committing suicide, I finally sought treatment. It was the best thing I could have done. I still have feelings of guilt and loss as I miss my ex at times, but am in a much better place now.
Lesson to be learned: Don’t throw a marriage away because things don’t seem to be working. Marriage takes a lot of work and you’ll get out of it what you put in. Put in the effort and seek professional help if needed. I’m not saying never divorce, but I got out of a marriage that could’ve been saved if I had put more effort in and I wish I could go back and put that work in.
If you’re in a horrible marriage, work on it, or get divorced. Cheating is never the answer. Even if things work out, there are better ways to end the marriage.”
Loyalty Is A Two-Way Street
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“I left my ex-wife to be with my current wife of almost ten years. I have never been happier; we have four kids and things are amazing. My ex-wife was manipulative, abusive, and controlling. On top of all of that, she cheated on me multiple times. I thought I had a kid with her but I actually don’t and it has been proven that he is not mine through DNA testing. But since I lived in Texas at the time, and the Texas Attorney General doesn’t care about the dad, I am still stuck paying child support for him, which in the end is fine because I still see him as my son.
My ex-wife used to control everything I did. She blocked any channel and website she deemed inappropriate. If we were out in public, she would scold me openly for even looking in the general direction of an attractive female. If we watched a movie with nudity, she would cover my eyes and berate me afterward for wanting to sleep with someone else.
My current wife is very loving we communicate very well. We have our own hobbies and interests outside of ourselves and family. She doesn’t berate me in public or private and she makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. She doesn’t cheat on me. She is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me.”
A Connection They Couldn’t Deny
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“I got married when I was 19 years old to someone I had been with for a year, but friends with throughout school. The marriage was not the best thought-out idea as we were both quite immature teenagers who absolutely believed we were the most mature two people on the planet. In hindsight though, we got along really well and he’s a great person.
We had our daughter a couple of years later when we were both at college and went on to university, so stuff was intense and everything was a lot of hard work. A few months after I started dating him, I met one of his friends and felt an instant connection, a kind of ‘Jesus, I’ve never felt like this before’ connection.
I tried to put it in the back of my mind but I had on/off discussions with this person over the following few years about how we felt and I discovered that the feeling was mutual. I felt like I had been emotionally unfaithful by having these conversations and attempting to pursue a friendship, which sucks just as bad as being physically unfaithful and I have learned to accept that. When my daughter was two years old, I reached a point of thinking, ‘Am I delaying the inevitable? I’ve had these feelings for years, they don’t seem to be going away even through periods of absolutely zero contact with the person, even when investing all my energy into making my relationship work. Is it better to leave now whilst my daughter is young enough not to have any memories of me and her father together, or leave when she’s older and risk messed up her life completely?’
The person I had these feelings for had always told me to ‘focus on my family’ and never tried to push me into any decisions, but would be honest about his own feelings and how they were messing him up too. So I came clean and told my husband that I was unhappy because of these feelings that I couldn’t overcome and I felt like staying in the marriage would be denying him the opportunity to find someone who is 100% devoted to him. I felt like I was wasting his time. I should reiterate that my husband (soon to be ex) is a really good person; he has loads of positive qualities and is a fantastic father too. I respect him and I want him to have all the happiness he deserves as he deserved more than what I was able to give him. We were living like good friends. After my daughter was born, we were no longer intimate for pretty much two years. That isn’t the way a successful relationship should be. He took it really well and I think that maybe he knew deep down all along. We had had conversations throughout the relationship about this other person and our friendship, so it wasn’t a surprise to him.
We manage to completely share our daughter equally and even when things have been rough, we’ve managed to put her needs first. We are amicable, mainly for the sake of our child. My significant other and I live together and it’s going as I expected, which is really well. He gets on great with my child and she adores him, though the boundaries are clear in that she doesn’t need a second dad or stepfather figure.
Her real dad is brilliant, so we would never enforce that. My ex has found someone else too and she seems lovely. I’ve become a better partner because of this, too. I’m better at communicating (which was a massive issue in my marriage) and have a complete honesty policy. If I have an issue, I don’t just bottle it up and hope it will go away of its own accord. I spend more time thinking about decisions rather than just acting on impulse. I’m not sure if that is down to learning from the previous relationship or just generally growing up a bit.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have rushed into my marriage so young. I should definitely have been more open and honest at the time when my husband and I were dating before letting it get to the point it did. That was really selfish of me. I guess I just thought I needed to ride it out and that the feelings I had for his friend would disappear over time if I just buried them really deep.
Obviously, continuing sporadic contact with the person was never going to aid that, so again that is something I have accepted was not the right way to go about things.
At the same time though, I don’t really regret anything because I have a beautiful daughter out of my previous relationship and my husband and I did have some really good times. Feelings cannot be helped but it is the way in which we deal with them that counts. I should have dealt with them better. There are no excuses for that. Being a dumb teenager or a coward doesn’t excuse it. On the whole, the situation was a lot less messy than I thought it would be. I’m lucky in a lot of ways. It does feel bad knowing that I left my husband for another man and it isn’t a nice label to have and the negative things that happened because of it (losing friends, disappointing family) are probably well-deserved. I have to own that, but I don’t want it to define me.”
What Goes Around Comes Around
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“I was married for seven years. We knew each other growing up and dated when I was out of school and it was her senior year of high school. We moved in together once she graduated. We got married when she was 18 years old.
We already had a few issues, but we worked through them and stupidly got married thinking it would fix things. Near the end of the marriage, we had major debt and became bankrupt. I had just been laid off from the best job I ever had and struggled to find something with only a GED and no degree.
I took whatever I could get. A few of times I was offered a job for nights, my wife did not want me to do them, so I turned them down. I quit one job as it was unsafe and I was getting panic attacks constantly. I finally started a temp job that I knew would turn to full time. Six months in, she tells me she had been cheating on me with someone she met through her job and that she wanted a divorce.
He lived in another state and she immediately moved in with him and they got married after our divorce was finalized. I never got re-married but I dated on and off.
Almost nine years later, I find out she is divorcing him (we still talked on and off) and was pregnant with his child. She actually tried to talk me into picking things up again, mostly to help her take care of the child. I had actually had a hard time getting over her for years, but this was the final straw. I realized how she was just trying to use me.
I told her no and I haven’t spoken to her since. Two weeks after that phone call, I get a call from a mutual friend who announced that my ex-wife is with someone who is six years younger than her. He is the father of her baby and she’ll be moving in with him (four states away from where she lives).
Last I heard, she is having the same issues she had with the last guy. I am still unmarried but have been with a girl for over a year now, and we have a nine-month-old boy.
Things are going well for me. I did end up getting that job to full time, been here for almost ten years now.”
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
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“I was married for about 16 years, but very unhappy and had been contemplating leaving for a couple of years. We never did anything together, it was dead in the bedroom, and she spent all day watching soaps to have me come home and watch a couple shows together before she’d fall asleep on the couch.
I had tried to get her to agree to counseling several times but her personality didn’t work with airing our problems to someone else and she thought we could fix it on our own. I remember one day thinking that if I could just consider her my roommate or friend instead of my wife I could just suffer through it (for the sake of our kid, etc). I cried myself to sleep that night.
Anyway, a while later, a younger co-worker and I went to a conference together. We had some drinks and some flirting but nothing happened until about a year later when we got put on a project together and started texting more. I ended up developing feelings over time and then several months later, we spontaneously/unexpectedly kissed and it escalated from there.
To make my matters worse, she was engaged to be married about six months from then. About three months into our (physical) relationship, we had to make some tough decisions because we both felt we had both fallen in love with each other over the last year or so before we had even started anything physical.
She broke off her engagement (she had been with him for eight years) and I started the painful divorce process, all the while second-guessing myself that I was throwing away my now 18-year marriage to a person I had been with for over half of my life. But I had to come to terms that I wasn’t happy and had to accept that even if things didn’t work out with the new girlfriend, that I would be happier alone than staying in the marriage. Once I accepted that and got over the fear of being alone, it was easier. I was then doing it for myself, not for the other woman.
I moved out a little more than a year ago and our divorce was recently finalized. My girlfriend and I moved in together this past July and things are going great. We’ve been together for almost 2 1/2 years at this point and have been talking marriage. My ex and I are civil, but we rarely see each other. Our 15-year-old son is doing okay. I do miss him since I only see him about eight days a month.He gets along fine with my girlfriend, but there’s definitely some stress there, although my ex isn’t the best at not bad-mouthing us to him.
I’m slowly rebuilding. I’m in my early 40’s but moved out with nothing but a suitcase. I built up about $10,000 in credit card debt that I’m working off and I pay nearly half of my paycheck to alimony and child support, which I’m not that bitter about and understand it’s the price I pay for what I did and is necessary for me to move on.
My ex is doing fine. She isn’t dating, but she did go back to work and has made a lot of new friends, so it’s nice to see she’s out rebuilding her life. It’s a little strange since she never wanted to go out or have friends over when we were together, but I’m happy for her. My social life isn’t that great outside of my girlfriend and her friends (which are all younger than me in their mid-to-late twenties but they’re nice people). My ex kept most of our mutual friends and after 18 years of marriage, that was about the only friends I had. It’s hard to meet and make new and meaningful friends when you’re in your 40’s. You know, the type that will call you up just to hang out or will pick you up at the airport. Everyone my age already has their established circle of friends and it’s hard to break into that.
But I’m happier than I’ve been in years, all in all. I only regret how it all went down and it makes me sad sometimes.
My girlfriend still talks with her ex-fiancé and they’re friends. They talk about once a month and she still struggles with guilt. We both do but I think I’ve gotten past it quicker. Early on (a couple years ago), we used to have to hold each other while one or both of us cried about those people (her ex, my ex, my kid, family and friends) that we had hurt. But we had to keep the whole ‘our happiness matters too’ thing in mind.
For lessons learned, it takes two people to make a marriage. It takes work. It takes commitment. It takes dating, flirting, time alone and time for each other. My ex and I stopped dating after our son was born. I took her for granted and she took me for granted as well. We stopped being husband/wife/lovers and started being roommates. It sounds cliche, but we grew apart. Our relationship was crumbling around us long before the other woman came along.
I wish I had communicated more and didn’t let things fester. I was really guilty of that. I felt like I was being selfish for wanting more, so I hid it and let it rot. My relationship with my girlfriend is so much more open and healthy and I plan on keeping it that way. I’ve learned these lessons the hard way.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about my ex. Not in a regretful or wishful/romantic way, but I’ll find myself laying in bed with my girlfriend in my arms and wondering how she is doing. ‘Does she still cry herself to sleep? Is she lonely, depressed, full of hatred and resentment? Will she move on and find her own happiness?’
I wish her the best and I harbor no ill will. Sometimes I think of asking if she wants to have dinner so I can see how she is, but I never do. We only talk in email and text and only about our son or pick up/drop off plans. I wish we could be friends, especially since I’ve known her since I was 18 and was with her for over half my life. I don’t miss her romantically or anything like that, but she was my friend (and more) for a long time.”
In The End, He Decided It Was Worth It
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“My wife left me alone for nearly two years while I was away for work and had to move to a new location. Once I found a house in the new location, she decided to stay at home for another six months. During that time I met another girl. She was perfect and completely out of my league. The two of us hit it off and what started as a friendship eventually turned romantic. Then we grew closer and closer. Meanwhile, my wife at the time (knowing this other girl and I were romantic as we had a sort of open relationship at the time) just kept getting more distant.
Eventually, my wife moved in and I had to cut ties with my ‘friend.’ Well, things didn’t work out and my wife ended up starting a relationship with one of my co-workers and I kept things going with my friend.
We ended up getting divorced and I now pay a lot of child support while she moved back home. So I pay her a ton of child support and she lives in a nice big house with no real bills that I’m aware of. Also, she’s moving in with her boyfriend and not taking the kids with her for a few months. As far as me, I’m with my best friend. We have a child together and we’re very much in love and happy. We have our moments where we disagree and fight but so does every couple.
Overall, we’re both extremely happy and even though I have to pay out a lot of money it’s worth it to be with someone that makes me this happy.”
Young, Dumb And Scared
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“I left my fiancée for another woman, then left that woman for my fiancée and got married. My fiancée was pregnant with my baby when I split from her.
I was young, dumb and, scared. She already had one kid, I was almost done with college, and I still had my best friend hanging around that I had always wanted to be with. I said I wasn’t ready for my life to be tied down more and split.
From there, I got with my then-best friend. We had a whirlwind fling going for a few months. One day, I received a message from my ex-fiancée saying that if I didn’t get back with her she was going give my son up for adoption. She always knew how to get my attention. So I split from my then-best friend (now acquaintance, basically) and got back with my fiancée, now wife. And life is good.
Things were really hard the first three years as I was trying to come to terms with the new life I didn’t want but was willing to make sacrifices to ensure my kids, including my stepson, didn’t grow up fatherless.
These days, we are happy. Our kids are healthy; one will graduate high school soon and go to the military while the other is finding himself and growing. I have no regrets, but I do wonder how things would have turned out if I had told my wife to take a hike permanently. Would I still be with my best friend from back then? Would my wife have given up our son for adoption? I wouldn’t have blamed her. But this life we have now is the better option of all likely realities, I’m certain of that.”
She Never Saw It But Everyone Else Did
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“I was married to my wife for 21 years and had two wonderful daughters. I was seriously unhappy for the last 11 or 12 years of the marriage and she never saw it. Everyone else did, but not her. It came to a head when my mother asked me one day when I was going to leave her because I was way too young to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
I had a friendship with another woman that was much more compatible with me, and once I was separated, we began a romantic relationship. I have been married to her for just over a year now and I am happier than I have ever been. Nowadays, my new wife and I travel with my ex-wife to our daughter’s sporting events (my new wife has a daughter the same age) and we are friends. Looking back, it was the best thing I could have ever done and we are all happier now than we were.”
What Started As Friends Became More
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“My girlfriend and I started out as friends with incredibly similar interests. We were also in separate troubled relationships.
Her fiancê was not supportive of anything she did professionally or personally and mine was struggling with addiction. We didn’t talk about our relationships much, but we knew each other’s issues to an extent. My relationship ended before hers did and we started hanging out a little more frequently. I had feelings for her for about a year (chalked it up to just a crush) but I felt like if we were going to hang out, I should be honest because some of the boundaries we had tacitly set were eroding and she was still in a relationship.
We race cars together and would only hang out at races, but not socially, partially because our significant others at the time didn’t like that we even did that together. It makes sense they were concerned, especially when it turned out that we both had feelings for each other. We were very honest about our feelings and then we just tried to put it on ice until all the loose ends were tied up.
No cheating, none of that. The timing was weird; both of us jumped out of long serious relationships and potentially into another one, but I think we’re both really happy with how it’s working out. The toughest part is really trying not to talk about our exes or compare now to our past relationships. Sometimes we do and it usually highlights how good things are now, but really, you have to watch that that isn’t what becomes the foundation for things.”