These people are taking sleep-talking to a whole new level!
“I was pretty much certain I was about to die.”
“My boyfriend talks in his sleep with his eyes open a lot. This one night I was having trouble sleeping and heard some kind of a noise that freaked me out, so I cuddled in closer to him. He turned over, looked me dead in the face and said ‘I can’t protect you. When they come they’re just going to kill me.’ I immediately moved the f–k away from him. Next thing I know he laches onto me from behind and just starts laughing. I was pretty much certain I was about to die.” (source)
“You don’t roll around in the park!!!”
“Mine says weird things pretty regularly so I actually recently started writing them down. they’re mostly just cutesy ramblings but sometimes he yells at me about random things: I roll in to cuddle and he immediately mutters, ‘you don’t roll around in the park!’ I laugh, ‘what?’ He says, ‘DO YOU?!!’ I ask, ‘no, DO YOU?’ He answers, ‘….no….’ snooooooore (source)
“This is my T-Rex!”
“My fiance rolled onto her side facing me, cocked back her arm and punched me in the side of the head. She did this while screaming ‘This is my T-rex! Find another ride you a** pterodactyl!’ Biggest wtf moment of my life so far.” (source)
“Sorry I pushed you off the sprinkler system”
“I started a journal of funny things my husband says in his sleep. I wish I started it sooner because I know there were hilarious ones that I can’t remember. They are always a mash up of things we’ve talked about that day. My favorites… I asked him to scoot over. He said, ‘Sorry I pushed you off the sprinkler system.’ ‘I have socks on the flat bed. They’re reeeally heavy. I’ll back it up to the dock.’ ‘I’ll found her sparkle wagon.’ He was s trucker and talked on his CB to his manager. He yelled insanely loud, ‘Come again, Gordo?!’ ‘There’s people in the coke bottle.’ ‘I’ll fell of the dam. But I caught the trout!’ ‘Who has the umbrella cooler. I need that tomorrow Sunday.'” (source)
“They’re all going to drown!”
“My partner loves fish. Like, 5 fish tanks and over 100 fish, loves fish. One night I was woken up by him loudly saying ‘we have to take the fish out of the tank or they will die!’ multiple times. I was confused until I realize he was asleep. I asked why we had to take them out of the tank. His response? ‘THEY’RE ALL GOING TO DROWN!’ I laughed so hard I couldn’t go back to sleep.” (source)
“Putin is going to bomb them”
“He rolled over and shook me awake and insisted that I mark April 12 on the calendar. I thought he was awake and had just remembered an important appointment. I asked, ‘Okay… what’s going on that day?’ He replied, ‘We have to save the icebergs. Putin is going to bomb them. He doesn’t care about the penguins!’ Uh-huh, okay sweetie let’s get right on that.” (source)
King of Walnuts
“Oh my husbands sleep talk is hilarious! I write it down!! This is probably the funniest Him: I’m going to change my name Me: what to? Him: KING frediriko King frediriko of the walnuts Not king of THE walnuts just king of walnut Like prince of orange.” (source)
IT by Stephen King
“Oh I have a good one that happened just last week. My SO, half a dozen years ago, was reading Stephen King’s IT for the first time at some point in the book one scene really stuck with her, so much so that she woke up screaming madly that Pennywise was behind the curtains. She got really shook up and gave up on reading the book. Fast forward to last week, she decided ‘You know what? F**k it! Imma read IT again and vanquish my fears!’ So I set it up on the ipad for her and she starts reading it (hehe) again. The first night when I go to bed, she’s already sleeping and she grabs my arm and kinda shakes me around violently like she was trying to defend herself from someone/something, I have to yell ‘It’s me, babe! It’s me!!’ for her to wake up and relax. The next day we spoke about the ‘incident’ and she was pissed, ‘Nuh-huh! I’m not gonna let this book freak me out anymore!’ So that night she decides to read again, before bed and I had work to do so again stayed up late. I eventually decide to call it a night and go to bed a few hours later. When I walk into the room the lights are still on, I go to lay down and she sits up on the bed… I’m thinking she’s getting up to get a glass of water or something and then it went a little bit like this. Hucksilva: All good, babe? SO: Come over here. To this side. I walk over to her side of the bed SO: It’s right there… points at the corner of the room… It’s right there. I can feel the cold… Hucksilva: …uuuuhh… SO: suddenly pissed off Why are you just standing there, Hucksilva?! Pay attention! You have to keep watch!… I turn off the lights, lay her back down, scoot on the bed and she hugs me close and says ‘I’m sorry…’ Of course she had no memory of anything in the morning. I was the sole freaked out person! I’m bracing myself for another crazy waking dream from her one of these nights. I’ll post an update if yall want! Moral of the story: F**k Stephen King’s IT and if I disapear go look for my body in a sewage drain :(” (source)
Hot Air Balloons
“My wife said that I told her ‘If rhinos could fly, i’d stay the f**k out of hot air balloons!'” (source)
“Snug snug”
“No longer together but my favorite thing was I went to go to the bathroom and he cuddled closer and said ‘no. Snug snug’. I had to hold me pee for about an hour until it stopped being cute and started being an emergency.” (source)
“I’ll deal with the monkeys tomorrow”
“My ex actually had a hilarious habit of sleep-talking. She often had no idea she was doing it; it was like the part of her brain tasked with interpreting questions and responding stayed on, but the rest of her was off. I once asked her ‘Do you mind scooting over?’ and the response I got was ‘I’ll deal with the monkeys tomorrow’. I ended up waking her up because I started laughing until I was crying.” (source)
“The most romantic spot on Earth”
“So about 6 months back me and my SO took a trip to France for our honeymoon. We saw all the sights, yada yada yada. On our first night there, we had a very cool discussion with a couple that had travelled from Australia to find out if there was anything to all this, ‘most romantic spot on earth’ talk. We had a few drinks, and it was decided we would take the party back to our hotel, since the bars were closing. So we got a bottle of bourbon and caught a cab. Sure enough, my SO passed out in like 20 minutes. We decided to keep drinking, since she is a super sound sleeper, but as it got later, we heard her start to talk quietly in her sleep. We all kind of caught each other straining and puzzling over what she was saying, so we all collectively decided to just learn closer. I out me ear right by her head and was straining my ear when I swear I thought I heard her say, ‘I need tree fiddy’. It was then that I noticed that my SO was about 500 feet tall and had lime green skin! ‘God DAMMIT Loch Ness Monster! I ain’t givin’ you no tree fiddy!!!!’ I screamed.” (source)
Foot Biting
“My fiance has never talked in his sleep, but he bit my foot hard enough to draw blood. When we were in college, I would frequently sleep in his room for privacy since I had roommates. I was laying with my head at the foot of the bed reading a book, while he was asleep, positioned normally on the bed. Suddenly he just lays into my foot and I kicked him reflexively, not enough to hurt him but enough to wake me up. He groaned, ‘Why did you kick me?’. I shouted ‘Why did you bite me?’ I took off my sock and to show him four top incisor indentations in my toes, two of which were bleeding lightly. To this day, he asserts he did not bite me. Then who the h*ll did it??” (source)
“We didn’t get our t-shirts!”
“My SO rolled over in the middle of the night and mumbled indignantly, ‘We didn’t get our t-shirts!’ I replied ‘Huh?’, because he woke me up, and he goes, ‘we didn’t get our t-shirts for winning the Olympics in the Three…legged…race-oh.’ That last part was when he woke up enough to realize that what he was saying was ridiculous. Our old place had a glass shower screen dividing the room (imagine like the middle bar of a capital E). SO walked into that in the middle of the night, and came back bruised and sorry for sympathy from me. SO: CRASH Me: ‘What?’ SO: ‘I walked into the shower screen.’ Me: ‘I love you too.’ (source)
Crazy Medication Side Effects
” So it’s me that talks (used to) and him that recorded it on his phone. This was maybe between 4 to 6 years ago and the side effect seemed to eventually wear off, but I suffer from intermittent bouts of severe insomnia, along with a host of other psychological issues, and used to get prescribed Zopiclone in the UK (I live in AU now and they prefer to give Zolpidem here which has also never had the same effect). Anyways, I used to fall into this bizarre state of semi-lucid sleep as they were kicking in, about 20 mins after taking one. I’d look like I was sleeping but I guess my brain hadn’t fully shut down, and quite regularly I’d go through a brief period of still interacting with the sounds around me. My fiancé worked out that at these times he could occasionally coax brief exchanges out of me that make some sort of sense, and he started recording the audio of a few of the most… interesting ones. Let’s just say my subconscious personality is that of a sadistic, narcissistic, child murdering psychopath. Yes really. And I SWEAR on my life I am not like that during waking hours! Transcribing to the best of my memory some of the most f**ked up/amusing conversations he recorded; 1) Me: Where’s Brian? SO: Who’s Brian? Me: F**king BRIAN! SO: (laughing) Yeah, but who’s Brian? Me: BRIAN!! Brian’s got the bags. SO: oh yeah..? Me: Mmm… Brians got the bags to drown the babies… 2) SO: What are you doing? Me: Are you serious? I’m a novelist… SO: (loses his sh*t giggling loudly) Me: (super sinister voice) Laughing… spitting… children don’t spit on novelists… where’s Brian…? 3) (SO brushes against my leg) Me: (distressed yelling) NO!! NOT THE KNEE!! This has become something of a regular joke if one of us touches the other on the leg 4) Me)…he’s going to die because he’s too warm. You need to make him cold SO) What?? Me: Bury him… in the snow SO: OK… Me: Bury him for three days and he’ll be alive SO: Bury who? Me: (evil chuckle, says no more and falls asleep) About an hour before bed we had watched a documentary about a guy who had survived for days on a mountain and scientists thought the low temperatures helped save his life. Not sure why my brain made it creepy. 5) Me: You’re not coming in SO: Why’s that? Me: Because you haven’t paid SO: OK how much is it? Me: Mmmm… (long pause)… its a penny for yellow and a copper for green SO: (chuckles) right… Me: …(yelling) I’M NOT THE JOKER!! (evil muttering) they should kill retards like you… SO: (splutters)That’s not very nice, is it? Me: Very nice. Tick tock, tick tock, you’re dead…These are the ones that stick out most and the anecdotes most commonly told when drinking with friends. If anyone is interested I can ask my fiancé when he comes home if he still has the audio files on the computer anywhere and see if I can upload them somewhere with a link. I know we had them for ages but having moved to another country and this being the first time I’ve thought about it in ages I’m not too sure if they are still saved anywhere. Like I say, after a while this side effect stopped happening and never occurred with a slightly different sleeping tablet I take now. I kinda wish it did because I looked forward to waking up in the morning and seeing if he had any good material. A lot of the other stuff was just odd reactions to stimuli; one night he got up and went to the bathroom (en-suite so really close to the bed) and I heard the sound of him accidentally dropping the toilet seat down. I shouted out ‘BANG!’ at the top on my lungs and gave him a heart attack. When he got back into bed apparently I was having a full blown giggling fit in my sleep. I don’t remember a thing. I just called my fiancé to tell him I was writing this and he remembered another one. He’s also fairly sure he has the audio files still on the desktop computer; Me: Put rocks in the bags SO: What are you doing? Me: (giggling) Wouldn’t you like to know…? SO: (laughs) Yeah, thats why I asked! Me: (sinister) Rocks are heavy so you’ll drown faster… stop you laughing. I hate children laughing… TLDR; I used to talk in my sleep due to medication side effects and clearly subconscious me is a serial murderer with a friend/murder partner called Brian, and who doesn’t like children or being patronised” (source)